Believe in something greater than yourself

I grew up in church, and still try to go regularly. It defines a great part of who I am. Now, I know that church isn’t for everyone. But having the belief in something greater than yourself, no matter what it is, needs to be there with you as you walk the path. I’m not talking about worship or dogma. I’m talking about belief. Now, whatever you find in your heart of hearts that is greater than yourself is a personal journey all on its own. But the knowledge of some greater reasoning will hopefully comfort you. For you, maybe your family is what you believe in. Or your teammates. Belief gives you strength you didn’t know you had and a well of reserve you wouldn’t think possible. It is vital that you believe in yourself; in your abilities and capacity to accomplish amazing things. But it is just as important to realize that there is something greater than you that you can draw from. The path we walk is long, and the night is dark. So we have to believe that we will make it through this journey better off than when we started. And I believe you will. 

Good advice sometimes isn’t.

I heard an old story about a couple of fraternity brothers, Sam and John, who were driving back to campus during a terrible snowstorm. Visibility was pretty much nothing. Roads were slick as glass. It was terrible. Sam, the driver, was shaking like the last leaf on a limb, both from the cold and the nerves. Suddenly, a smile crept across his face. “Look, a salt truck. My dad aways said that in a storm like this, you can get behind a salt truck and he’ll lead you home!” So the boys followed the truck. The snow never let up, but the traveling was much better now that the road was being scraped ahead of them. They followed him for a solid hour, hanging on the curves and matching pace. After an hour or so, the truck stopped. The salt truck driver climbed out of the cab and headed back toward the young men. Sam rolled down his window. “Y’all ok?” the driver asked from outside the door. Both Sam and John nodded and Sam repeated the advice his father had given him. The salt truck driver furrowed his brow and nodded. “Well, that’s fine, son. It’ll be another hour and I’ll be done with this parking lot, but then I’m going home. You fellas are welcome to join me if you like.” Sam thanked the driver for his offer and forged back to the main road to try and make it home. My point is this; we can all be misled. And sometimes, while the advice we get is good, it doesn’t apply to every situation. No-one has all the answers. But hopefully, you’ve picked up a few tips walking on this path with me. And you’ll learn your own lessons that you can share as you walk your own. I can’t wait to hear all about your travels as you continue down the path.  

You’re not lost until you run out of gas!

Sometimes, you’re gonna get lost. It will happen. My sense of direction is notoriously terrible and before Google Maps, I could get lost in the parking lot of Fayette Mall! But James Glenn Caudill once told me that you’re never really lost until you run out of gas. If the car is running, you got a fighting chance. And the same can be said for us as we make our way through life. The world is gonna throw everything is has at you. You will be face some hard times. There’s a quote from one of the Rocky movies that says “It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you get hit and get back up!” But as long as there is gas in your tank, you’re not lost. And you won’t believe how much gas your tank can hold. Somedays, you might feel like Atlas, pushing the entire world up that mountain. But you can persevere. And remember to keep refilling your tank whenever your can? How do you do that? That’s the easy part! I get hugs from Clark and watch scary movies. (Usually not at the same time) Tracie takes bubble baths or works out. You just need to find your own moments to relax and spark joy. Then, you’ll be ready to go another round. So, when times get tough, and they will, don’t forget that you’ve still got some gas in the tank to get you over that next hill on your path.

Life isn’t fair, so don’t expect it to be

Sometimes, things will not go your way, even when it should have. It doesn’t matter that you put in hours of work, did the research, made the connections or followed the instructions to a “T,” sometimes you will not win. And it will be devastating. There aren’t many worse feelings than when you know that you’ve done all in your power to accomplish something, and it remains out of reach. But disappointment is a part of life. When this happens, and it will, all you can do is try another approach or change targets. Many years ago, I thought I was a football player. I wrapped a lot of my sense of self up in the persona of being an athlete, so when Georgetown College offered me a scholarship to play, I was thrilled. Twelve months later, after two knee surgeries and a failed comeback attempt, I found myself with no scholarship, no spot on the roster and a 2.0 GPA. I had to reinvent myself at that point, and it was a painful process. Decades later, when I first tried selling a book, I submitted it to twenty-one publishers. Most didn’t even respond, but those that did passed. This was disappointing, to say the least. Something I had put so much of myself into was unwanted. But all I could do was keep working and hope for a better outcome on the next project. I’m not saying that I did everything possible to achieve success in either of these examples, but it devastated me non-the-less. Failure is as much a part of life as success. We must learn from them and move on. Muscles have to break and tear before they grow back better than they were before. Heat tempers steel. We are all strengthened by being tested. Don’t falter when it doesn’t go your way and keep heading down your path.

Everybody and Everything has a price

I’ve expressed my love for pro wrestling before. And growing up, there were few bad guys more devious than “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase. His catchphrase, “Everybody’s got a price!” with that maniacal laugh is as much a part of my childhood as He-Man and Count Chocula. He would regularly pay viewers to do disgusting feats for cash. Or bet that they would fail at some physical test, only to cheat them if they were getting close. It was perfect heel (Bad guy wrestler) tactics, and we all hated him for it. But, there is so much truth in his message. Everything does have a cost. As my kids get older, I have been giving a lot of thought how to best to guide them into adulthood. For my generation, it was a given that college was the expected choice for most folks. And there is a lot to be said of a college education. But the cost of a degree increases exponentially every decade. Is the cost/benefit analysis of a college degree the same as it was 30 years ago? The numbers say that it isn’t. On the other hand, most of the best paying technical and/or blue collar jobs take a high physical toil. There is the potential of great financial gain with little to no cost for training. However, this can lead to reduced quality of life in later years and an increase in medical bills due to the physical strain a lot of these jobs put on your body. I am a huge believer in entrepreneurship, but here the cost is initial startup capital, along with the potential failure rate of any business. It’s great to be your own boss, so long as the boss knows what they are doing! There is no right or wrong answer. There are only choices and costs and we all have to decide what is best for ourselves and those around us. 

SHINE YOUR SHOES

My high school principal, Mr. Shepherd, was one of the best educators I ever knew. Most school years, he would start by having the students gather in the cafeteria in what would become a lecture on life lessons. The one that sticks out the most is “Shine your shoes!” At the time, most of us just thought he didn’t want some sloppy looking kids plopped all over his school. Actually, Mr. Shepherd was trying to impress on some thick-headed teens the importance of pride. Now, this is not about arrogance or feeling overly self-important, which can be a problem for some of us. Mr. Shepherd knew the power in seeing ourselves as valuable, meaningful individuals who deserve the very best possible. And to achieve this, we have to have some level of self worth that we ourselves recognize. If we can externalize this with some act, such as shining our shoes, we can then internalize the feeling of it. If we take to time to “shine our shoes,” or whatever act it is we do to improve ourselves, we outwardly express our sense of self worth. And this then folds back on us and increases that feeling. Little actions can lead to big results. Remember that. 

Never show up empty handed

This is gonna sound old-fashioned, at it probably is. But whenever you go to someone's home, bring something. Even if they tell you not to. When you’re young and dating, take the girl flowers. They don’t have to be expensive. Food City has some right by the door. Shake her dad’s hand and tell her mom her home is lovely. As you get older, you’ll get invited to dinner parties. Call ahead and see what they need. Drinks? Bread? If they say “Nothing!” a nice bottle of wine is always nice. And if they are a generous host, they might even open it and share it with you that night. And after a party, leave any beers you don’t drink in their fridge. That’s a little bonus the hosts get for holding the party. Don’t be cheap and leave with it. They will talk about you when you’re gone. And you better have a driver to get you home!

Be a goldfish!

When I was growing up, we had several goldfish. Never over two at a time, and never for very long. My mom would ALWAYS stress that my sister and I not over feed them because “They won’t remember that they just ate and will eat themselves to death!” Everyone thought that a goldfish’s brain would reset every 3 seconds, and it was just taken as fact. Just like Mikey died from eating pop rocks; it was just known. Well, today we are all a little wiser, and know that goldfish are smarter than we were giving them credit for. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from this long-held mistake. I’ve seen it happen to too many folks that, when something fantastic or terrible happens to them, they hold on to it, tight as a bearhug, and can’t let it go. Could be anything from a broken heart or missed the winning shot of the championship game or didn’t get the promotion you know you deserved. And the opposite is true too. Something great happens once and you chase that feeling to the detriment of the rest of your life. It’s the story of every addict you’ve ever heard of. But it could be as simple as pining for an old flame or focusing on nostalgia more than tomorrow. I’m sure some fantastic country singer has crooned “The past is gone and it ain’t ever coming back!” at least once over the years. So, we have to be like goldfish. Just let the past be the past. Better or worse. And we move on down the path to greet a new day.

Be generous with praise. Be cautious with criticisms. Be honest with both.

Tell people when they’ve done a good job. We don’t do it enough. Sometimes we are too critical, or expect too much. Sometimes we just assume that the person knows that they’re doing well. And sometimes, we just forget. But it is important to brag on a job well done. Criticism, on the other hand, is dangerous. It can be necessary, at times. But over doing it can damage a relationship, or worse destroy it. When I was working as a classroom teacher, I learned firsthand the power of positive reinforcement. And it makes perfect sense, because we all love to hear that we’re doing a good job. But, I was far from the perfect teacher, and needed guidance from time to time. The principal I worked for would often model what he called “the Oreo method” for criticism. He would surround a piece of criticism with two bits of praise. Like cream in an Oreo. For example, “Great game today, Teddy. Strong moves in the post and you shot the ball well. I need you to work on you passing a little, though. Especially in transition. But I don’t think you missed a free throw today, and that is exceptional. Good job, pal!” We have praised the effort, spotlighted specific things that were great and still shown a spotlight on the issue that needs addressing. The most important thing through all of this is honesty. Don’t lavish someone with faint praise or become hypercritical and nitpick every detail. Brag on folks in a way that they know what your saying is honest and true. It will do wonders for the both of you.

plant trees

There is an old proverb that says the wisest of men will plant trees he knows will never offer him shade. I love this because it speaks to purpose. Why do we do the things we do? What is the reason behind our actions? At a base level, it’s survival of a genetic line. We are programmed to take our genetic code, find a partner, create offspring and foster that genetic line for future generations. Is that the purpose of everyone’s life? Replicating like a virus that sucks the life from the plant we just happen to live on? Of course not! The Universe is random and life is messy, so everyone has their own individual path to take. I know several folks who find kids “tolerable” in small doses on the best of days, and are more than happy to let us breeders deal with the whole mess! So, then, what IS our purpose? Why are we here? I’m not sure we will ever get a definitive answer to that question. Not in this lifetime, anyway. This wise man plants these trees because he knows they will benefit his children and his grandchildren by providing food or wood or shade. Just as what we do today not only affects us in the now, but affects countless others in unimaginable ways. You don’t have to have children to want to leave the world a better place. Working towards a better tomorrow is perhaps the noblest thing any of us could do, leaving behind a legacy of service. If the purpose of life is to punch the clock 8 hours a day and watch TikTok videos all evening, well, some days I’m killing it. But, I really think there must be more to it all than that. And even if I’m wrong, wouldn’t you rather spend your time working to make the world better than watching The Office or Friends again?  

Pay more attention to how someone acts vs. what they say

People will show you who they really are. Mark Twain once said “Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” I could write a dozen cookbooks on how to be the greatest chef in the world. But if my steaks are burnt, my eggs come out greasy and I under salt the green beans, I am not showing that I can back up what I’m selling. And you will see examples of this every day. When I was growing up, televangelists were everywhere. These guys (most were men) would cry and dance, beg and “heal,” pray and more, all in the name of the Lord. And they needed your money! They had so much important work to do, according to them, and only your money could let them do it. All the while, these folks were building mansions, flying private jets and living like kings. I am all for anyone making a wonderful living. But exploiting the faith of others as they did shows more about the kinds of people they were than all the sermons they delivered. You will see it with politics all the time as well. Money gets misappropriated toward some pet project that a Senator’s buddy works on instead of going to where it could make an actual difference and do some good. Or they will make millions on insider trading deals, all the while decrying the shrinking of the middle class. The lesson to learn here is, be vigilant. The old fable of the wolf in sheep’s clothing has been around for centuries for a reason. When someone tells you with their actions to be unworthy of your time and energy, believe them. They are just another boulder in your way as you walk your path. 

Don’t concern yourself with what others think of you

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, but also one of the most powerful. People will judge you. They will talk about you behind your back. Some will celebrate your wins to your face and cut you to the quick the moment you turn away. When people talk about you…let ‘em. I have always said I have no problem with people talking poorly about me because at least they aren’t talking about someone else. You will gain the reputation you deserve. If you earn a positive one, no-one will take that away from you. You can screw it up all on your own! But, they can’t take it from you. This type of behavior comes from jealousy and a sense of inferiority. It shouldn’t make you feel superior to know this. If anything, pity those who try to defame you. I’ve had friends who would get fighting mad when someone questioned their manhood or the actions of their mother. And sure, at the moment, it’s difficult to let insults like this roll off of you. But, in the long run, what they think or say means the same as what the little boy shot at on his first hunting trip…absolutely nothing! Focus on creating a reputation and persona that is above rebuke and don’t concern yourself with what others say. No one will remember these slurs in the long run. But they will remember you. 

Realize you will walk some paths alone

Understand that you will need help along the way. But there will also be times where you will find yourself alone. Personal growth and goal setting are very personal processes, and no-one can do the work for you. If you want to walk the path to becoming the best version of you that is possible, get some hiking boots and a machete, because you’ll be blazing a new trail. This will be hard. You may have doubts about your ability to change, your worthiness of investing time, money and energy into becoming someone better or just whether you even want to do this in the first place. Don’t get discouraged. Don’t let those demons of self-doubt and self-sabotage ruin the work you have already done. Persevere! Survive the wilderness and make it to the promised land. The Israelites walked for 40 years in the desert. Their path took them a generation to find home. Don’t get dejected if yours takes longer than you’d expected. 

When you meet someone, repeat their name

I am horrible with names. Faces I’m pretty good at remembering, but Dyslexia, Diabetes and Concussions have converged in my brain, causing me to lose names almost as soon as I hear them. To combat this, I try to say the person’s name a few times in that initial meeting. Just try to make it casual and not some obvious memory trick. It helps that most people like hearing their name. Another tip is to refer to anyone over 10 years older than you as Mr. Whatever or Ms. Whatever. Sir and Ma’am are also great for any age. Someone may correct you and say that they’d rather be called something else, and please do so. But these polite honorifics you use show respect and deferment. People like this, even if it’s on a subconscious level, and will feel closer to you in the long run. And having friendly folks join you on the path makes the traveling so much easier. 

Prioritize your tasks and knock off 4-5 of them a day.

One key to success is to become task oriented. When you have clearly defined goals and objectives, it’s easier to create steps in order to achieve them. These steps then break down into tasks that need to be accomplished. The key here is to not overburden yourself with too much at one time. Start every day with clear objectives. Know what needs to be done and then prioritize those tasks. Some people like to use long lists of tasks and check them off, including things like “Take a shower,” or “Fix lunch.” And there is no problem with that method. The main point is to prioritize the key actions that need to take place and tick them off as you go. Got a presentation due next week at the office? Better set aside some time to work on it. Skipped the gym yesterday? Might need to make sure that’s near the top of the list today. The feeling of accomplishment and power of checking a box or running a line through these tasks is meaningful. You have done something with you time that has been useful and beneficial to yourself and/or to others. Enjoy that sense of accomplishment and use it as motivation to keep going. But also recognize that you have limitations and there is only so much time in the day. I have seen some set task lists for home and work and then divide the energy they devote between the lists. That way, they ensure they keep a balanced work/home life. No matter where you are going on your path, setting goals and accomplishing tasks as you go will greatly improve your journey

Open doors

Open doors! I mean this both literally and figuratively. One, you should always hold doors as you enter a building or room. It’s common courtesy, be it a man, woman or pooch walking in behind you. I once held the door for a little old woman using a walker. She was hunched over a bit, with shock white hair, caked on makeup and thick rimmed glasses. As she got to me, she grabbed my hand, looked up and smiled as big as I’ve ever seen anyone. “The good Lord doesn’t make ‘em like you much anymore. You are a gentlemen and a scholar!” It was a very touching moment that has stuck with me for years. But we should also hold the door open for those who follow you on the path as well. As you go through life, how can you help the next generation? Becoming a mentor to a younger person is a fantastic way to pass on what you have learned. Become a teacher and reach several at once. As you go, you will learn so many lessons. Take what you have gleaned from your path and share it with others, so that they might have a little bit easier walk than you did.

Celebrate your successes and the successes of others, no matter how small or large.

Life is hard. We’ve got bills and responsibilities to deal with. Illnesses and pollution are wrecking our health every day. There’s so much wrong with the world, that we have to celebrate our wins; big or small. Feasts and festivals have been a part of the human existence since we crawled out of the caves. It’s a part of who we are. So, when something goes your way, take the time to enjoy it. It’s not often, but now and then, an unexpected sum of cash will flow your way: Christmas bonus, rich dead uncle you didn’t know about, maybe even win the lottery. No matter how, you got a little windfall for yourself. My grandfather had a rule when things like this happened. He called it “The rule of 1/3’s.” One third of your money gets used to pay down debt. Another third goes toward savings. And the last, he said to “throw it up a wild hog’s ass!” which is a very descriptive way of saying to enjoy it. Take the time to enjoy your successes, but also those of the people around you. All to often, I will hear people say things like “What’d he do to deserve that raise?” or “How’d she afford that new car?” Don’t have a negative attitude like that. Share in the joy of others, and hopefully, they will share in yours as well. And if they don’t, that’s fine too. You’ve had your win and now you get to enjoy it. Go on…overindulge, just for the day. “Treat yo-self!” And then, get back on the path.

Don’t be a people pleaser

You can please some people all the time, and maybe all the people some of the time, but never all of the people all the time. Being helpful and friendly comes naturally to some of us. And most of us are pretty social creatures, by nature. But going out of our way to please others can lead to disastrous ends. There are folks out there who will try and take advantage of your giving nature. There are those who, for some reason or another, never seem to be satisfied with anything or anyone, no matter what you do for them. And then there are those who are just A-Holes. You may think that excessively pleasing others will make things better in the long run, but that’s simply not the case. It’s a pause button at best. It’s like a pacifier for a baby; it will quiet them for a bit, but you know another tantrum isn’t far behind. Be kind. Be helpful. Be gracious. But don’t act in ways that leads to harming your own emotional health. Some folks feed off of this kind of energy and will drain you like Count Dracula if you let them.

Never Assume

Ruth Ann Collett is one of the best teachers I ever had. She was a science teacher by trade and a philosopher at heart. I got the chance to work with Mrs. Collett years later when I was teaching. She is a remarkable lady who taught me a lot. One lesson many of Mrs. Collett’s students can probably recite from memory is “Never Assume!” She would write it on her board and begin to underline as she enunciated loudly. “Because it makes an ASS out of U and ME!” As young high school freshman, a teacher saying “Ass” was both thrilling and scandalous. But the lesson stuck with me all these years later. And with good reason, because it is a valuable one. Making assumptions and taking things for granted is as easy as it is dangerous. We all assume that when we turn the faucet in the kitchen, water is going to be there. We expect the lights to turn on and food to be in the fridge. We assume our job will be waiting for us on Monday and take for granted that our check will show up on Friday. But…What if? What if a water main breaks? Or the power line falls? Or there are layoffs at the office? What would you do? Have you given it any thought? Having backup plans and multiple options is always a good idea. I’m not suggesting you become a doomsday "prepper". But you should be prepared for situations as they arise. My dad loves the saying “Prior preparation prevents poor performance!” We should all hope for sunny weather, but there will be a storm rolling in at some point. So, do you have a few flashlights and an umbrella handy?

Learn how to no-sell.

I have loved professional wrestling for as long as I can remember. As a student of Communications and Media, there are countless examples of how this modern art form is a perfect microcosm for our society at large. One aspect of wrestling that I find incredibly fascinating in the art of selling. For the most part, the men and women working in the ring are not actively trying to hurt each other. (That doesn’t mean they don’t feel anything. Far from it. But they are working together to make a show, not tear each other limb from limb.) However, to make the show as believable and entertaining as possible to the audience, wrestlers will try to convey that these moves and holds deliver incredible pain. This is called “selling” the move. The goal is for the audience to “buy” that the wrestlers are hurting, and thus feel bad for him/her and then cheer him on to victory. (Good guys do the majority of selling, and they want the cheers.) But there are times when you don’t want to show weakness. When Road Warrior Hawk would take a devastating pile driver, he would often pop right up like nothing happened. This is called no-selling. We will all have times in our life when we need to sell. Unfortunately, there will be people in our lives who will actively root against us. They will work to sabotage our work or tear us down emotionally. These bullies and “haters” feed off of the energy we put out, and will starve if we no-sell what they are doing. It’s not easy, sure. You get mad or hurt by their actions. But, by no-selling, you take away the thing they crave; your reaction. Next time someone tries to get a rise out of you, no-sell it and see what happens.