Share The Credit. Take the Blame.

While in school, I hated group work. All the way through college, every time a teacher or professor would assign a team assignment, I would cringe. My problem was that I knew my level of ability, but didn’t trust that of the rest of the group. So, I would just do most of the work, and we’d turn it in together. It wasn’t until I started my Master’s Degree that I realized the significance of getting meaningful input from your team. You will get a lot of group work in your life: assignments in school, projects at work, volunteer opportunities. If you play sports, that is another example. If you want to be a leader, you must utilize your team. Find their strengths and accentuate them. Learn their weakness and try to minimize them. Make them feel a part of something larger than what they could accomplish on their own. And, in the end, treat them with dignity and respect. If the project was a “win,” share credit. This is something you all did together, after all. However, if the situation was a “fail,” accept the blame. Soften the blow of losing by owning up to your own mistakes and failures along the way. Doing this will bring your team closer together and improve future efforts. Additionally, if gives you opportunities to self evaluate and see how you can improve. It would be great to say “I did it all!” when you win and “You guys suck!” when you lose, but that is not the most effective manner to build relationships in a team. And if the object is to work better together, strong relationships are crucial.

Surround yourself with great people.

Have you ever heard that one bad apple spoils the bunch? We’ll it’s a true for people as it is for fruit! The folks you choose to associate with matter. From the crowd you run with as a teenager to your friends at work and all the way up to your partner, the people you choose to spend your time with is one of the most important decisions you make. Growing up, I thought it was all about reputation; that if you were hanging with “the wrong crowd,” you would be linked with them. And in a sense, that is true. But its even more than that. Group-think and emotional intelligence are linked in a collective. Alone, a person may have a bad idea or decide to do something dangerous. And that would hurt the one. But, if they are in a group of similar individuals, he/she can suggest it becomes something they do together and bring down the whole. But the inverse is true as well. If you surround yourself with positive, well-meaning people who are acting in your best interest, your decision-making and emotional health will improve. There’s an old joke that says, if you want to be a millionaire, start hanging out with millionaires. My checking account balance can attest that I don’t know if that is true or not, but I can say that I surround myself with people who act in ways to make our community better and work to achieve an overall positive impact. And the types of projects we work on do just that. Seek out folks who are already the kind of person you want to be. Chances are, you’re gonna have a lot to talk about.

Learn to Cook. And Do your own dishes!

Cooking is one of the most important skills anyone can have. Being able to take some simple ingredients and turn them into something delicious for the people you care about is special. Growing up, we had lots of pot luck dinners at church. And, as any good Southern Baptist knows, nobody cooks like them little ol’ church ladies. It was great to see all of those casserole dishes and crock pots lined up in our fellowship hall. And, while there might have been a dish or two that wasn’t the best thing I’d ever tasted, you could tell that it was all made with love. Cooking lies somewhere between a craft and an art. Any of us can learn the basics and be serviceable, but some are chosen to be truly gifted. Don’t get frustrated if you burn a few dinners. It will probably happen. But find some things you love, look up a recipe or two and give it a shot. If you can find an old church cookbook or two, you’ve struck gold! Cook with your kids. Cook with your partner. Just start cooking. It’s cheaper than eating out. Healthier too. And do your dishes while you cook. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. My mother would always say that it looked like a bomb had gone off in her kitchen when I’d cook growing up. Even as an adult, it was a challenge to clean and cook at the same time. My wife is fantastic at it; while I am learning to be better. And if you need a recipe for tomato-bacon casserole, you know where to find me.

Write down your goals and revise them often

Putting pen to paper is powerful. It’s permanent, for one. It literally makes a statement. And when you go from having an inkling of a dream in your mind to a concrete goal that you’ve written down on paper, it becomes real. But it is this realness that makes it tangible. We all have notions of making more money, getting healthy and being a better person. But how many of us take the time to physically write down attainable goals and start setting up processes to achieve them? I found out I was diabetic when I was twenty-five years old. That is a strange age to get that diagnosis, since most folks have either Type 1, formerly known as juvenile diabetes, or Type 2, which typically affects older folks. Well, my lifestyle wasn’t the best and my diet was even worse. I can’t even remember how many full sugar sodas I would drink in a day. And for the longest time after, I just treated the situation with an “I’ll do better” attitude; never really pinning down a plan of action. It wasn’t until I created attainable, reasonable goals, that included a timeline, did I see actual improvement. And putting pen to paper made all the difference in the world.

Roll with the punches

When I was a teenager, one of the cutest, most popular girls in my school came up to me first thing on a Monday morning, smiling ear to ear. I was friendly with her, at least enough for this to not be totally out of the blue, but it was still not normal behavior. “If anyone asks, I was with you Friday and Saturday night, OK?” she says with a mischievous grin. Confused, I asked “OK, why?” “I told my mom and dad you took me out all weekend. They like you and don’t approve of the guy I was with.” I had two ways to deal with this; I could be offended that I was secretly cuckolded in a relationship I never knew I was in, and only existed in the minds of this young lady’s parents. Or, I could be flattered that my reputation was so strong that I made a convenient cover story for two star-crossed lovers. I chose the later. And in the long run, I didn’t give it another thought until I ran into her parents at a community event over 20 years later and ratted her out! People will sometimes say “Expect the unexpected.” If that were possible, it wouldn’t be unexpected, now would it? But, when the unexpected does occur, good or bad, be nimble enough to just go with it. Trust in your instincts and abilities to handle any situation and push on through. Because you never know what the next turn in the path will bring.

Don’t chase the duck, make the duck come to you

Growing up, I had a much younger cousin who was obsessed with baby ducks. She’d chase them all around my Grandparents' yard, squealing the entire time with delight and anguish. She loved that she was so close, but hated that she never actually got one. After countless failed attempts to grab a hold of her own little duckling, my Papaw finally gave her some fantastic advice. “Don’t chase the duck, make it come to you.” And he handed her a handful of crackers. She tossed one in the little yellow ducks direction and it quickly snapped it up and started waddling her way. In just a moment, the duck was in her lap, eating crackers from her palm, and she was as happy as any little girl that I’ve ever seen. This same principle can be applied to so many aspects of our lives. You can chase money, chase a crush or chase a dream job and never get any closer. But, if you can find a way to attract what it is you’re looking for to start looking for you…Well, then you’ve won before the race even started. Be mindful and strategic when you can. Plan out your actions and think of what reactions might occur so you can develop contingencies. There’s a lot we can learn from Papaw’s duck crackers.

Engage in the complexities of Information Systems Theory

I love the study of Communications. So much so that I have an MA in the subject. And while we will never find the perfect way to transfer information from one location to another, it is fascinating to explore better and stronger channels of transference. Information Systems Theory, or IST, explores how information flows from sender to receiver. If we apply this to our lives, we will always strive to be delivering clear, meaningful messages in a concise, understandable manner. And as the message is sent, you seek out feedback, in various forms, to adjust and improve future communication. For example, my word choice and tone with my wife and kids is probably not the same as at the office, right? And the method in which I speak with my pals down at the corner store is not going to be the same as the national network of donors to a large charity. You have to customize what you say and how you say it all the time. You are already doing it, and probably just aren’t aware. So start being mindful of how you communicate. To be understood is one of the most powerful tools you can wield.

Confidence really is key.

I know I am about 10 years too old for them, but I really enjoy the Harry Potter books. (And the movies) They are a classic power fantasy in the vein of Star Wars and King Arthur, but there is something in that world that is just, pardon the pun, magical. In book 3, Harry has trouble completing a specific spell. And it’s an important one as it keeps some flying demons away. In a crucial moment, Harry fails again to cast his spell, but from across the lake, a figure resembling Harry’s Father does cast it and the monsters are sent fleeing. Now, through some magic time travel, Harry finds himself standing across the lake, seeing his earlier self being attacked by the flying demons. He takes a breath, and casts the spell. When asked how he did it, he says that he’d seen himself cast it, so he knew that he could. It was all a matter of confidence. Believing that you can do something is almost as important and putting in the hours of training to make yourself great. The greatest athletes in the world want the ball when the game is on the line because they have the confidence in their own abilities to perform when it matters. You need to develop that same confidence in your own abilities, no matter what they may be.  Believe in yourself and your talents. Be realistic in your goals and your aspirations, but know that you can reach higher than the world expects of you. Your path can take you to amazing places, if you only believe that it will.

Ask for help when you need it.

There will be moments when you fall. This is not an indication of weakness or inability. It is simply a fact. There will be a wall you cannot climb or a ravine too wide to jump. It takes tremendous strength of character to realize that help is needed and then seek out that aid. We all have our skill sets in life. I can cook a decent dinner, put together a video about your Granny or Papaw’s life, give a speech to a large crowd about endowment funds and write up a press release about it with little to no hassle. But, if there is a leak in a faucet or one of the kids needs help with some Algebra homework, I am not your guy. I am going to need help. And sure, sometimes I wish I was more handy and could fix my riding lawnmower (the last time I tried, it was worse that when I started!) or build my kids a tree house. But that’s not the types of abilities I have developed over the years. So, I ask for help. It’s also important to remember that it’s not just physical needs that you need to ask help for. Walking the path is mentally and emotionally draining for all of us. And sometimes, we need someone to listen. Sharing your problems with a trusted friend does not make you weak. It’s the opposite, in fact. You get to drop some of your burdens and feel stronger in the process. I heard one time that the best thing about emotional baggage is that, at any point, you can just put it down and walk away. Recognize that you can’t do this all on your own and seek out the help you deserve when you need it.

Collect memories, not possessions.

After college and before marriage and kids, I had this little window where I lived with my parents, had a decent job and few bills. I was too immature to know that I should be saving for a down payment on a house or investing for the future. No, I was busy building one of the largest collections of DVD’s in East Kentucky. This was years before the Streaming Wars and high speed internet put every movie and TV show just a few clicks away. If I wanted to watch an obscure Italian zombie movie from the 70s, I had to order it online. And I did. Hundreds of times. Today, I have more discs than I care to acknowledge sitting on a bookshelf that only collect dust. I’m not sure I even have something that plays DVD’s and BluRay’s anymore! With 20+years of life lived since then, the place that I find real joy is not with “Things” but experiences. Trips to theme parks, afternoons spent at the basketball gym or cheer competitions, weekend cookouts with friends or quiet evenings out on the deck are so much more meaningful than anything I could ever buy. Cherish moments, great or small, because they are fleeting. You can always replace something material. But you only get these moments once.

Realize that everyone deserves a second chance.

People are going to let you down. Hopefully not often, but it will happen. If you are living with purpose, exhibiting integrity and blazing the trail, most of the world can’t keep up with you. And they will fall short of where you would like them to be. I have a very good friend who is one of the hardest working, compassionate and intelligent men I have ever known. He also expects everyone he meets to be at that same level. I have tried to tell him many times that it is not fair to hold the world at the same level where he holds himself accountable. His argument back to me is “If I don’t demand excellence from them, who will?” And I see his point. But the drive for excellence must come from within. I honestly believe that the vast majority of us are trying to do our best. We may be stuck in a rut. We may be lost or directionless. But for the most part, we are trying. So, when your neighbor fails to live up to what you would like them to do, forgive. When your friend flakes on your plans again, reschedule. When your partner lets you down, offer grace. Grace is a precious resource that we could all use more of. All of us will fall short, at one point or another. Every one. Hopefully, we will grant just a touch of grace from to that friend or loved one when they need it. And maybe we will receive it when it is our turn to fall as well.

Be Present as much as possible

I want you to imagine you have a bank account that only you can access. It’s a checking account that is accepted everywhere. And every day, $86,400 is deposited. No matter what happens, you are going to get that money. The catch is, your account has to be empty by the end of the day. What would you do? How would you maximize your efforts to get the most value from every dollar. Now, what if I told you that this is already happening, and most of us just aren’t taking advantage of it. Only, it’s not dollars we’re given, but seconds. There are 86,400 seconds in a 24 hour period. How we use them is up to us. I was out to dinner with my family the other day. It wasn’t a super nice place, but a step or two above fast food. I looked around, and all five of us were on some sort of electronic device, nose to screen. We might as well have been sitting at five separate tables, eating alone. None of us were present and in the moment. We, as a family, were not maximizing our efforts and our assets to create meaningful moments. It’s not realistic to say that you will live every moment “in the now” and be perfectly present for your partner and/or your kids. But, it’s a fantastic goal to set that we are all more present tomorrow than we were today. Experience the moments as they happen. You will never regret being present. Not for a second. 

MAKE STUFF

I am not artistic in the traditional sense of the word. Can’t sing my way out of a bag. I’ve picked up the guitar a few times over the years and just can’t seem to figure it out. And I am as un-crafty as you can imagine: can’t paint, can’t draw. When I had a 3D art class in college, I almost burned my hand off using an industrial strength glue gun. It wasn’t until I found the Drama department that I started figuring it all out. From there, writing and video production were natural next steps. I took several years away from creative writing, but producing nonfiction videos, working in journalism and similar pursuits have been constant sources of enjoyment for me since before I was married. Having that escape where you can express an aspect of yourself in some way is so important. Maybe it’s with food and cooking. Maybe woodworking is your undiscovered passion. (That’s gonna be an expensive one, unfortunately) The important thing is to find some way that you can create. Take raw materials and make something special. It doesn’t even matter if it’s good. At first, it will probably be terrible, if we’re being honest. But keep at it. Practice. Study. Explore. You’ll be glad you did when you give your grandkids a special gift that you made with your own hands one day.

In all situations, Wait and See.

I once heard a story about an old farmer who was barely scraping by. He and his son did all they could to survive on their farm. One day, a terrible storm flooded his fields and he lost all of his crops. His son began to weep in despair, but the farmer said, “Let’s just wait and see.” The next day, the flood had caused a heard of wild horses to escape the valley and they had made their way into the farmer’s large pen. His son screamed with delight, saying that they were now rich. But the farmer shook his head. “Let’s wait and see,” he told his son. About a week later, the son was trying to break the horses when one threw him to the ground, breaking his leg in several places. All of the villagers came and helped the farmer move his son to their home. “Oh, how terrible this is,” they told the old Farmer. “Not necessarily. We must wait and see.” As the youth healed, the Lord of the land came and collected all of the young men from the village to join his war party in what was expected to be a suicide mission. “But my son is lame, Lord. He cannot ride with you. Here, take this horse in his stead,” the Farmer said. The Lord of the land and all of those that rode with him that day fell, but the Farmer and his son grew old and wealthy. Take this from the story: in every tragedy, there can be triumph. And in every triumph, you may find tragedy. The important thing is to keep a level head and never assume you know where the path will lead you. 

Never stop learning. Be Curious about the world!

When my oldest was about 3 years old, his favorite word was “Why?” I think this is pretty common for most preschoolers around this age. And it’s not that they want to question authority or be disrespectful. (That comes in the teen years I’m finding out!) Young kids, by their nature, are curious. They want to explore. They want to experience. And most importantly, they want to learn. Now, for most of us, between industrialized lesson plans and standardized government based testing, we loose that love of learning along the way somewhere. And that is an absolute shame. Learning shouldn’t end once your school days are over. And it should’t be just facts or trivia, but if you want to win the quiz bowl at the corner bar, that would help. Be curious about your family. And about your neighbors. Everyone has a story and you can learn something from them. So read. Ask questions. Listen to podcasts and watch YouTube videos about history and art and whatever else you are interested in. Never stop learning something new.

Balance your checkbook

Taking care of your finances is so important, but most of us just assume it will take care of itself. My grandmother balanced her checkbook religiously. I can’t say I am as vigilant as she, but I am constantly trying to keep our family’s finances under control. Developing a budget, exploring ways to save and investing for the future are the key ways that you can explore financial literacy and maintain a firm grasp on your money. Don’t be militant about it and stress over very pack of gum you purchase. But make sure you know where your money comes from and where it goes. Find the sinkholes that continually drain your finances and seek out ways to lessen them. Explore opportunities to increase your income, be it side hustles, investments or doing a few shows at The Peppermint Rhino. One of the biggest stress points in a marriage/life partner relationship is money. There will never be enough for every little thing. But, you can work to alleviate the stressors from your day to day life with just a little work.

Develop a positive outlook on life by looking for the good in every situation.

I have known people whose defense mechanism is to automatically assume the absolute worst in every situation. Got the sniffles? It’s probably Monkey Pox! Weatherman says it might storm? Bet we get ten inches and the power goes off for a week. Little Billy fell off the swing? Clearly, his back is broken! I don’t know about you, but I would be constantly exhausted if I thought this way. Now, I’m not telling you to be hopelessly optimistic and assume that everything is atomically going to go your way. But there is nothing wrong with expecting good things to happen to you. The truth is, life is hard and bad things happen to all of us. The trick is to find the good, even in the worst of situations. It’s not always easy. And some times are just black and bleak. But, more often than not, things are never as bad as they seem. The Chinese word for “Crisis” is a combination of “danger” and “opportunity!” Hard times will come; how we handle them is up to us.

If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes!

Will Ferrell, playing the illustrious racer Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights once said, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” Now, I have never been accused of being swift of foot; they used to time my 40 yard sprints with an sundial. But, to me, being first doesn’t necessarily mean winning the race. It means leading the charge. There are two ways to act when placed in charge of a group of people: lead or manage. A manager directs from the rear, letting others pull the load and relies on the reports from the front to make decisions. A leader pulls the load from the front, making decisions based on what they see for themselves and ensuring that the party goes in the proper direction in an instant. If you’re a manager, hanging around the back of the pack, all you see are the ass-end of everyone in front of you. You aren’t in the trenches, doing the work. You’re a decision maker, sure. But are you effective? Are you respected? Are you valuable?  A leader is all of those things and more because they are in it. Everyone is given the opportunity to be in charge of others at some point in our lives. For some of us, it almost becomes a habit. When you’re given that opportunity, are you going to manage? Or are you going to lead?

Leave the woodpile higher than you found it.

This is a Brashear family staple. My dad is fond of saying it and apparently his dad was as well. The story goes that a young boy was cutting wood for the winter. His father told him to set aside all the logs that they would need that year into another pile and then, replace what he’d moved with a little more than was there before. Thus, leave the woodpile higher than you found it. What we can take from this is that we all have the opportunity to make choices in this world, and those choices have consequences. Every one of us are consumers; no one has the ability to live without the use of resources. But we get to choose if and how we use them and whether to give back or not. We’ve talked about how we can contribute in meaningful ways in the past. Giving more than you take is the best way to make sure that you leave the world better than you found it. And what more could any of us strive for than that?

Never settle for “fine”

Just as we should never strive for perfection, we should never settle for "Fine" or "good enough." Never settle in your self or in a partner. If you are living with integrity, doing your absolute best whenever possible should come as second nature. And you should expect the same from a partner; business, romantic or otherwise. When you settle, you are short changing yourself of some greater possibility out there. Never think “This is good enough for now,” because your "now" could turn into forever. Expect greatness and it will come. Accept mediocrity and it will stay. As you walk your path, you may find easy, paved roads that lead to nowhere. But the path of least resistance is rarely the best way to go. Know your worth. Know that you are priceless because there is only one of you in all of existence, and expect to be treated as such. It may not be the easiest road to travel, but the destination will be worth it in the end.